Introduction
In recent months, I have been spending time with a number of friends and listening closely to their stories about their relationships. What struck me was how many of them are living through abuse, some as the person being harmed, and others, unknowingly or unwillingly, as the one causing harm.
These conversations are never easy to navigate. When I suspect someone I care about is the abuser, I find myself carefully choosing every word. I want to gently guide them toward recognising that what they are doing is wrong, without pushing them away because I genuinely believe that change is possible, and I want to be part of that process. At the same time, I carry real concern for their partners, people I often cannot reach directly.
What I hear from the people around me is also reflected in national data. Abuse in Singapore continues to rise year on year. According to the Domestic Violence Trends Report (MSF, 2025), the number of new spousal abuse cases reported reached 2,136 in 2024, up from 1,632 in 2021. These are only the reported cases. Many more go undetected, unspoken, and unaddressed.
(Source: Domestic Violence Trends Report, MSF, 2025)
What is the abuser (perpetrator) thinking?
One of the most important things to understand about abusers is that, in most cases, they genuinely do not see themselves as doing anything wrong. There is a great deal of rationalisation. An abuser might acknowledge having a temper but quickly follow up with thoughts like: “My partner, Jane, is the problem. She is always making mistakes, she is slow, she is careless. The things she does make me angry, and if I do not correct her, she will never learn.”
This kind of thinking reveals the core pattern: the abuser externalises all blame. Their partner is always the problem; they are merely reacting. There is an intense need to control, not just the relationship, but every aspect of their partner’s life and behaviour.
Beyond control, abusers often work to make their victims feel worthless. They belittle, criticise, and chip away at their partner’s sense of self until that person feels helpless and completely dependent on them. This psychological manipulation is a hallmark of abuse in Singapore and around the world.
At the same time, abusers are not always unkind. They may cook, clean, show affection, and present as devoted partners, especially to the outside world. This is not genuine care; it is justification. It allows them to tell themselves: “I am a good partner. I do so much for her.” This push-and-pull keeps the victim confused and makes it even harder for others to recognise what is really happening.
Why does abuse go undetected?
The behaviours described above rarely happen in public. Abuse in Singapore most commonly occurs behind closed doors; at home, in the car, in private spaces where no one else can see. With one particular friend, I had the rare chance to observe how he spoke to his partner. I heard the raised voice and the cutting words. When I addressed it with him directly, there was a brief moment of acknowledgement, followed, shortly after, by rationalisation.
Most people experiencing abuse do not speak openly about the full extent of what is happening, even to those closest to them. In Singapore, there is a strong cultural pressure to maintain a positive image, to be seen as a “happy family.” The fear of shame, of breaking that facade, is a powerful silencer.
Some minimise or laugh it off entirely. Another friend once mentioned, almost casually, that his girlfriend regularly hit him. He brushed it aside, she is a girl, he said, and it didn’t really hurt. But abuse is not defined by the size of the bruise. Emotional, psychological, and physical harm can all be forms of abuse, and all of them deserve to be taken seriously.
Why do victims of abuse remain silent?
Time and again, clients who seek abuse counselling in Singapore tell me that I am the first person they have ever told about the abuse. They are deeply afraid of how friends and family might react, whether they will be believed, whether they will be judged, or whether their friends and family might turn against the perpetrator in ways that create even more chaos.
They are often not yet ready to leave, or to report what has happened. When I ask what it would take for them to decide to go, many cannot answer. They still love this person. They do not want harm to come to their abusers, they just want the harm to stop coming to themselves.
Fear is another major barrier. Many victims stay because they are genuinely afraid of what the abuser might do if they tried to leave. The abuser is someone who already struggles to manage anger and regularly directs that anger at them. Leaving, in their mind, could make things significantly worse, and they are not wrong to fear this.
On top of this, many victims have been subjected to sustained gaslighting, the abuser has spent months or years convincing them that the abuse is their own fault, that they provoked it, that they are too sensitive. This erodes self-trust. And then there are the good moments: times when the abuser is gentle, kind, loving. These moments keep hope alive. Victims hold on to those glimpses, believing things can permanently get better.
What can you do if you are in an abusive relationship?
The most important step is to talk to someone. If you are not ready to tell your friends or family, please consider reaching out to a counsellor or psychologist. At A Kind Place, we offer abuse counselling in Singapore for people who are experiencing abuse, whether you are the one being harmed, or whether you suspect you may be the one causing harm. We provide counselling to both victims and perpetrators. Our space is non-judgmental. We will not pressure you to report, and we will not report the abuser on your behalf.
There are two exceptions to this: if what is being described involves child abuse, or if we have reason to believe that a client is at risk of harming themselves or others. Outside of these circumstances, your confidentiality is protected, and your pace is respected. You do not have to have all the answers before you come in. You just have to take one step.
If you need help, please do not hesitate to book a session with us today below:
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