Understanding the issues
1. Criticism
The criticism that I’m referring to is not simply pointing out what’s wrong. Rather, this criticism involves attacking one’s partner’s character or personality instead of focusing on specific behaviours. When criticism enters the conversation, it can make their partner feel attacked and unloved, leading to further conflicts and resentment.
Criticism can sound like, “You didn’t clean the kitchen! You’re always so lazy and careless!”, which is attacking their character, claiming them to be “lazy and careless”. This sort of language can be hurtful and pushes people away.
2. Contempt
Contempt is a step beyond criticism and involves expressing disdain or superiority. Showing contempt can be like pouring acid on one’s relationship, undermining the respect and emotional connection they have built together.
Mocking their partner, rolling your eyes, speaking with a condescending tone or using sarcasm in arguments are all signs of contempt. For instance, saying, “Oh, you’re ‘so tired’? Wow, it must be hard watching TV all evening”. It can be more hurtful to be on the receiving end of this than people realise and are very destructive in relationships.
3. Defensiveness
Next, let’s talk about defensiveness, which often springs up in response to criticism. It’s quite a natural response to feeling attacked. However, counter-attacking can quickly escalate the conflict instead of resolving it. When people feel unjustly accused, their immediate reaction is often to deflect the criticism back onto the other person, which shuts down effective communication.
If your partner says, “You forgot to call me back,” responding with, “Well, you never text me back on time either!” is being defensive. This not only avoids addressing the issue but also turns the situation into a blame game.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when someone completely withdraws from an interaction, shutting down dialogue, and it often happens when the person feels overwhelmed.
If a discussion gets too intense, one might tune out or respond with very short answers. It can look like avoiding eye contact, looking disinterested, and giving short responses like “hm.”, “okay.”, “yeah.”, or “I don’t know.”
How we can communicate better
Focus on behaviour, not character
Try addressing their behaviour by stating, “I noticed the kitchen wasn’t cleaned last night. Can we talk about ways to keep our home tidy?”. Focus on the behaviour that bothers you, not the person. Use “I” statements to express how you feel and what you need without blaming the other person.
Build a culture of appreciation
Regularly express gratitude and admiration for each other. Make it a practice to genuinely appreciate and acknowledge your partner’s efforts and qualities. When you feel contempt rising, take a moment to think about your partner’s positive qualities and achievements. That will guide you in dealing with any issues in a more positive manner.
Actively listen
Sometimes, listening is all it takes. Actively listen to understand, not to react. Acknowledge your partner’s feelings and express your willingness to find a solution together. Own up to your mistakes and never underestimate the power of allowing someone to feel heard. This can quickly shift a potential argument into a moment of growth.
Carefully handling emotional overwhelm
When discussions become too intense, it’s okay to take a short break. Let your partner know you need a moment to yourself and assure them you will return to resolve the issue once you’re ready. You can say something like, “”I’m starting to feel really stressed, and I don’t think I can continue this discussion right now. Let’s revisit this after we’ve both had some time to cool down.”
If you find these patterns frequently appear in your interactions but are feeling lost on how you can deal with it, it might be helpful to consider relationship counselling. A relationship counsellor can guide you and your partner in building better communication skills and strengthening your bond.
